you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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