I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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