New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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