my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
