I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
