I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
