I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
there was a trapeze. enough said
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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