Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
where are my pants?
in the oven.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
