My liver just broke up with me...
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
