We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
