Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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