Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
