I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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