Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Randomize
