These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
