I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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