Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize