yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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