I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I will be naked everywhere
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
