OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
