I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
