yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
