Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
