They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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