My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
