You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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