I hate all girls vehemently.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
