I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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