he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
