then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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