shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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