Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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