Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
