loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
