WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
