i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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