You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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