I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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