I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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