He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
