my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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