i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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