Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
