dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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