this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
