my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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