Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
worst night to have a conscience
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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