I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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