I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
