there's paper in my vomit.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
