R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
