Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
