I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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