He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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