I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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