Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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