just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
