Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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