i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
