OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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